Jupiter Ascending (2015)

jupiterascending

You know those types of movies that are sometimes “guilty pleasures,” the ones that are so bad they’re good? This isn’t that. Jupiter Ascending is just plain bad, and this is coming from someone who can find positives in almost anything. Okay, so the production design and the visual effects are cool, but everything else is a jumbled mess. The Wachowskis really outdid themselves here, and not in a good way. I have nothing against them, I loved The Matrix and it’s still one of my favorite movies ever (although the sequels aren’t so good), I never got around to watching Speed Racer or Cloud Atlas, but it seems they both are very polarizing. Jupiter Ascending, though, wow.

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is a poor immigrant who cleans the toilets of rich people for a living until one day she finds out she is the reincarnation (or something) of a member of a royal intergalactic family called Abrasax, who own various planets throughout the galaxy. She eventually finds out that she is the rightful heir to the planet Earth, which is worth more than most planets for whatever reason I don’t know, but Balem (Eddie Redmayne), who wants Earth for himself (to harvest for a youth serum or something) has plans to kill Jupiter so he can gain the rights to his deceased mother’s fortune.

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The basic story has potential, but it never really goes anywhere interesting. The characters are awful and boring, Jupiter is probably the worst heroine I’ve seen on screen next to Bella from Twilight, and the acting is atrocious. Eddie Redmayne, who is Oscar nominated for an incredible performance as Stephen Hawking, gives what will probably go down as his worst performance ever here. Aside from the parts when he would try to be scary by shouting, I couldn’t even understand what he was saying 95% of the time because he whispered and mumbled all of his lines. The amount of ridiculous over-acting he did in this movie was laughable, as in the all of five people who were in my theater watching this laughed whenever he was on screen, not because he was actually funny, but because what we were all watching was so ridiculous that it was almost hard to believe.

The dialogue was horrible, especially that between Jupiter (“Please, call me Jupe”) and Caine (Channing Tatum). It was like watching a spoof of the corniest on screen romance ever. Caine, who is some kind of a space werewolf (really? I thought he was an elf), is hired by Titus (Douglas Booth)–d-bag Balem’s d-bag brother–to bring Jupiter to him. But, (surprise!) they fall in love, and it’s just so romantic because Jupiter just has a thing for falling for guys who don’t fall for her (sure, in what galaxy?) and all that generic nonsense. Well now she’s hit the jackpot because she has Magic Mike’s lycan brother (who also takes his shirt off and has smooth moves on his flying boots) saving her at every turn. He’s probably the most useful character in the movie, not just because he’s a seemingly invincible white knight and is always in the right place at the right time, but because he delivers all the horrible exposition we need to make sense of everything that doesn’t make sense on its own.

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Sean Bean plays Stinger, some guy who lives in a house with a lot of bees. He might be part bee, I really don’t even know to be honest. He’s a pretty useless character, unless you consider delivering some more horrible dialogue as being useful. As much as I love Sean Bean, I just didn’t find him to be particularly memorable. There’s actually a lot of inconsequential characters in this movie, including Tuppence Middleton in terrible old woman make-up playing Kalique, the sister in the Abrasax family. Other minor characters include large talking lizards with wings, robot people who look like the thing from Ex Machina, Asians with horrible wigs, women with gigantic mouse ears, Terry Gilliam (wtf?), oh yeah, and Jupiter’s weird Russian family including a cousin who tries to get her to sell her ovary eggs for money so he can buy himself a big TV.

The Wachowskis greatly missed the mark with Jupiter Ascending. It’s ambitious, but it’s badly executed. Some of the visuals were very pretty, but it wasn’t enough to make up for everything else. You can’t mask a piece of poo by wrapping it in a pretty box. The 3D was also unnecessary and horribly under utilized. I would give this movie more credit if it was just dumb fun, but it was too dumb and not enough fun. Terrible characters, acting, story and dialogue overshadow the few fun moments in some of the overlong action scenes. I just can’t get behind this movie, but if you see it and actually enjoy it, then consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

1/5

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19 thoughts on “Jupiter Ascending (2015)

  1. I had zero expectations for this thing and I’m not a fan of the Wachowskis. Yet I was still considering giving it a look. But the more reviews I read the more hesitant I am. This thing sounds awful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s honestly one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a while. Some people have said that it seems like a bad, incomplete adaptation of a book, and that’s probably the best way to describe it. Uneven tone, zero heart, and everything besides the visuals is absolutely terrible.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for going to see it for me, there was no chance I was going to see this movie. It prob got pushed back because everyone saw how bad it really was and realised that it needed an early New Years release instead. šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, a whole point lower than what I gave hahaha. I tried hard not to slam Jupiter Ascending but you hit the nail on the head. Yeah, Sean Bean is half-bee, half-man but since the movie never gave an explanation to why his house is covered in bees, I chalked it up to him wanting to be closer to his bee bros.

    Then again, the entire movie was so contrived, I had to come up with my own explanations to why certain thing happened the way they did. And that dialogue.

    “You’re royalty [or something]. I probably have more in common with a dog.”

    “I love dogs!”

    R.I.P. The Wachowskis

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is, haha. That’s odd, it wasn’t explained at all, but then again I couldn’t really understand him half the time either when he was talking, which was never a problem in any of his other movies. Oh that dialogue, sooo bad it hurts.

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  4. After The Theory of Everything I was so excited to see Eddie Redmayne play the villain, but everything I read about Jupiter Ascending and his performance in it is horrible… I hope it doesn’t hurt his chances at the Oscars.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He did his best with his interpretation of the character I guess, but he probably didn’t know it was going to look and sound so horrible haha. It was a little much. It would be unfair if it did hurt his chances, he still deserves the Oscar in my opinion. I know he can play the antagonist really well, if you watch the movie “Hick” he does a great portrayal of a really creepy sociopath, and he’s the best part of that somewhat mediocre film.

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  5. I kind of like it when you don’t enjoy movies Justine, your reviews are always very funny!!

    Definitely one to avoid then šŸ™‚

    Eddie Redmayne kind of annoys me anyway. Probably totally unjustified and maybe something to do with his face but he just irritates me. I liked reading about his over acting in this ha ha ha!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha, thanks. I kind of like not liking movies, too. I find it so much easier to talk crap than to praise, is that bad?

      You’re not the first person I know who’s said that. Something about his face just annoys some people, I totally understand.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Glad I’m not the only one. I hate myself for being so judgemental but I can’t stand him. I didn’t even know who he was when I watched Les Miserable but I disliked him then as well. (some of his Les Mis friends were SO much more handsome as well…!)

        Yeah I totally know what you mean!!!! It’s definitely easier to slate something than praise it. Or maybe it’s just fmore fun?! šŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        • It’s definitely more fun!

          It’s okay to be judgemental haha, and yeah there were quite a few who were better looking than him in Les Mis, I love the movie but wasn’t a fan of him until The Theory of Everything. Can’t deny he was pretty good in that.

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